True Friends never say goodbye

[imported from www.xanga.com/avrilchan] 

 I think I got over it because I met her on Weds and Thurs.Three sentences or so was exchanged:-“Bye, I’m going for class,” says her. (On Weds afternoon)“Bye, I’m going for class,” says her. (On Thurs afternoon)“Bye, I’m going home,” says her. (On Thurs evening)To all, I nodded. And smiled..and said bye to a couple, I think.I dont know. I really dont. But Im not into fake-ies. Not those who ignore or walk away from me when we meet in MidValley but bid a cheerful “Hi!” to me in front of our friends. C’mon. You know thats bullshit. Maybe you’re trying to make up? I cant trust nor believe in you right now. Sorry for being me. This was my blog entry for April 8th and April 10th.Blog number one.

Twas hard living away from close friends and family. I called, I emailed and I kept sane. Life was hectic there as no one cared enouf for each other to help each other out. I was home every weekend to spend every waking moment with my friends and loved ones. I tried my best to be myself and to make the distance gap seem small.

Efforts were all in vain. I lost more than just my friends. I lost my bosom buddies, my girlfriends, my sisters. Whether they thought I was a stucked up b*tch or what I dont know. Maybe they just gave up waiting me to be there for them. I never found out.

I will never know what went wrong along the lines, I will never know whose fault it was, what was it that was commited..what I know it just this:-

To my once-upon-a-time sisters, Im still here for you, believe it or not. Here like the dumb ass I am, clinging on the every hope left in me. Its the memories that are keeping this so called relationship alive and Im willing to give it my best shot if things can just *i dont know*,…go back to what it once was. This lone ranger is sick of traveling alone.

Blog number two

But she did prove to me in the end she was there for me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Connecting with her that night was something so new after so long, but yet so familiar and so welcomed. To tell you the truth I have no idea still what happened between us later on. Now we’re back to being mere acquaintances. Her photos and memories of us are splashed all over my room. Its hard to forget the person you once shared secrets with, you know..and shopped together, and bullied people together,..and washed toilets with. Its not easy. I wish she’d just write me a hate letter and be done with it, so i’ll stop hanging on to this last thread of sanity. I wish I could somehow explain to her, or to make her see why, and to be rid of all these questions and ‘what ifs’ in my mind.

I wish I could determine where I stand once and for all.

True friends never have to say- ‘Thats what friends are for’I dunnoe what to believe in anymore.

Currently Watching Mrs. Doubtfire By Robin Williams, Sally Field see related

Randomisation

[imported from www.xanga.com/avrilchan] 

Today I think Ive seen just about enough to let me die happy. I woke up today at 6am with yet another terrible sorethroat (thank you, CELINE!) and left my house for college at 7am (man, college on SATURDAYS!). Wasnt listening at all to my lecturer talk about the 1992-2010 New National Agricultural Policy (NAP2). Well, at least I knew what she was talking about right..? Begged a ride to the LRT station and rushed to Asia Jaya to meet Alvo. Waited for awhile for him to appear..I expected him to be in black..but hooooolyyyyy mackarel. Sigh. I really, really do not know how to put this description embossed in my mind (and memory, mind you!) into words. I will let you see it for yourself. Behold..Alvo de Salvo a.k.a. Dumb Blonde. [Edit: Picture of Alvin with blond hair missing] After the meeting with Ju-Eng and the Brats I hitched a ride with Debbie, and she sent me to the Asia Jaya LRT Station. I got off at a traffic light actually, because she had to turn right to get onto the highway and the station was on the left (well you get the picture) and there right in fronta my stunned eyes, an accident happened..a poor Malay guy just crashed and fell with his big bike and hit the ground with an impact so forceful his exhaust pipe broke and his jeans tore. Man, I was like gasping out loud and talking to myself, I was about to dash across the road (there were a lot of cars) when he got up himself and started to push his bike to the divider. Then two police cars stopped and the policemen got out to help him so i guess he’s ok. Hope he is. Some people can be so inconsiderate because a few of them honked at him. Idiots. Later that day I went to Rumah Hope (an orphanage), spent a few hours there with the kids, then went to the Taman Megah Home for the Disabled and met these poor pitiful children there..it nearly broke my heart to see their plight. Well, the Brats latest project is to raise yet another hundred thousand for PICU (Paedriatic Intensive Care Unit) to buy their ventilators. Does anyone know where I can find a wholesellor who is willing to sponsor/donate flowers? Let me know, 017-6522945. Thank you in advance. In the evening I arranged for Joey to meet up with my mum to get the car from her. I dunnoe about you guys, but I still get that amazing thrill I get when Im behind the wheel of a car..I just LOVE it…driving signifies freedom and independence to me, I guess. To my babykins..I LOVE YOU! Muaks Currently Watching Liar Liar (Collector’s Edition) By Jim Carrey, Maura Tierney see related

I cannot be in a good mood.

[imported from www.xanga.com/avrilchan] 

If you’re a close friend and have previously read the entry I did on the 13th of April ( the one expressing my gratitude to my frens ), she finally did send me the hate mail. Well, I noe she reads my blog sometimes, and heck, I noe she blocked me off her MSN Messenger too, but really, I sed what I meant in my replies ( five to one email, yo )

Whatever you choose to do is like, now, all up to you. I aint gonna ‘rule’ your life, nor am I allowing you to ‘live’ in my shadow no more, and definately aint gonna be your ‘leader’ either. You’re on your own now my friend, Im happy you’re happy.

There are friends who make and friends who break you.

To her : Be careful, okay? If you’ve heard the stuff about me bitchin’ about ya..beware..because bitchin’ requires a listener and retorter. Trust me, girl..conversations work both ways.

As for me, Ive lived my life on the edge, trusting and falling so easily, Im beginning to hurt from all the scars and bruises. Now Im gonna take it easy, take my time, evaluate and treasure who I have left in my life. And Im being wary.

Good Luck in finding security. But remember the days once upon a time.

Currently Watching Now and Then By Christina Ricci, Demi Moore see related

This is what I want.

[imported from www.xanga.com/avrilchan] 

Ever wonder what do you want in life? I was thinking the other day about my life and came up with certain queries I have not been able to come to terms with.

I want…

At the end of the day, to kick back and to pour out my feelings to someone who isn’t my bf. Someone who would listen, to bitch with me, hopefully understand where I am coming from. Everyone loves someone with the same thinking, and I just haven’t clicked like that with anyone since high school.

I’m the kind of person, like I have always said, that would die for a friend. Then I guess I woke up and inhaled pollution. No one’s gonna do that for me, and no one was banging down the doors for friendship anymore these days.

Had i grown careless over the years? Had i stepped on someone’s feelings without realising it? Or had we simply grown up?

I want to have a friend I don’t have to be artificial with. I don’t have to nod and smile at the so-called ‘appropriate’ places out of mere courtesy. I don’t have to act happy when I downright ain’t.

Guess I’ll have to get myself a dog.

The last time I ever felt anything hint to pure friendship was at Jane’s place. I was going thru a hard time with my baby and was at wits end.

With my closest buds at the table, I bawled my eyes out. I’m sorry I was such a dinkhead that at Brian’s birthday party, but I just had to let it out then.

Sympathy was not what I needed that night. Empathy was what I received.

Although most of my buds there that night were either single or never had a bf before, they felt what I felt and they, well, they understood.

Never before in my life have I felt so wrecked. I had never cried over a breakup before when it actually happens. Usually before,..and after, but never like this. That night they reached into my life and became a part of me.

An old (the longest too) friend was most hesitant. After all, we has distanced for two whole years despite our 6-7 years of ’sisterhood’.

But she did prove to me in the end she was there for me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Connecting with her that night was something so new after so long, but yet so familiar and so welcomed. To tell you the truth I have no idea still what happened between us later on. Now we’re back to being mere acquintances. Her photos and memories of us are splashed all over my room. It’s hard to forget the person you once shared secrets with, you know..and shopped together, and bullied people together,..and washed toilets with. It’s not easy. I wish she’d just write me a hate letter and be done with it, so i’ll stop hanging on to this last thread of sanity. I wish I could somehow explain to her, or to make her see why, and to be rid of all these questions and ‘what ifs’ in my mind.

I wish I could determine where I stand once and for all.

True friends never have to say- ‘Thats what friends are for’

To my friends who were there for me that night : -

Thanks Jane and Brian for not thinking I ruined Brian’s party and for encouraging me to ‘let it all out’. To Mad, for the ‘puffs’ and for keeping me extremely busy. Sarah, for the supply of booze (haha!). Celine, for hugging me and telling me that everything was going to be okay, and for sharing experience. To Sharm for listening and helping me sort out my feelings, telling me to ‘go for it!’, Rad for holding my head close and offering a shoulder for me to sob into and also for playing the Brian McKnight cd that I liked, Michelle and Teng Wai for the never ending supply of tissues whenever you saw my eyes filling up unexpectatly. Thanks for your concern and much needed attention. And thank you Jolene, for reminding me why we were once the best of friends.

Thank you all for the Love I needed that night – the 28th of June 2003.